A Public Service Announcement

I have observed a growing and troubling phenomenon in the last several years. After collecting data through both personal and anecdotal experience, I have no choice but to warn you of an epidemic of douchebaggery.

What is a douchebag, you might ask? It's a word commonly thrown around, usually denoting mild to moderate derision. Often it is used interchangeably with "asshole" or "fucker", but this is not exactly accurate. An asshole is unapologetic, generally up-front, and has a quality that some might describe as "brooding". A fucker is similar, but instead of brooding, has a more impish sense of humour ("I took pictures of you while you were passed out and posted them to Facebook!" "You fucker!" "Hee!"). A douchebag is a different animal.

The douchebag is a shapeshifter, and comes in many forms. He may have artfully spiked hair and a polo shirt, or he may have shaggy hair and Chuck Taylors. He may smarm up to you in a bar or strike up a cute conversation at a bus stop. There's the American Eagle Douchebag, the Hipster Douchebag, the Stuffed Shirt Douchebag, the Geek Douchebag, and countless others.

Confusing? Tell me about it. However, there are lots of common factors that you can use to build your very own Douche-dar. Here's a start.

He's arrogant. Not to be confused with confident under any circumstances -- this guy is just an arrogant prick. He won't waste a second letting you know exactly how great you should think he is. At the end of a twenty-minute conversation with him, you probably know what he benches, how many prestigious degrees he has, and how many girls he has lusting after him (yet they are almost always curiously absent). If you get a word in edgewise during this conversation, your best bet is to make sure it's "goodbye".

He's "sensitive" and a "nice guy". Here's a handy tool: if a guy is either of these things, he's probably not saying so every five minutes. I've known of "nice guys" that do all manner of not-nice things, like lying and cheating, but they figure that since they're not drug addicts or rapists, they're well ahead of the game. Sorry, but that's the bare minimum. Chris Rock agrees (NSFW).

He's scared of women. This encompasses a lot of behaviour. Likes to tear you down so you think he's the best option? Would rather skip town than have any kind of confrontation? Blows a gasket when you even so much as look at another guy? Makes you feel like pleasing you is beneath him? Scared of women. Scared to DEATH of women. Doesn't have much respect for them either. You can usually identify this guy by how he'll talk about wanting a funny, intelligent, sassy girl but will then run back to mommy when one actually appears.

Of course, there are a million indicators, but keep these three. If you are single, write it down, laminate it, and carry it with you in your purse. If you are with a genuinely good guy, thank your lucky stars. If you have sons, brothers, or friends that show signs of douchebaggery, an intervention may be needed.

If you are with a douchebag: run. Run fast and far. Like a real douche, it will cause irritation, imbalance, and is of no help to your vagina.