The One Where Everyone's Up All Night

A few weeks ago, my supervisor at the youth centre called me into the office. Since he is very laid-back, almost to a fault, I was more curious than worried.

"So... the kids have a Wake-A-Thon coming up," he began.

I nodded, feeling a spark of dread begin in the pit of my stomach as I waited to hear what this had to do with me.

"You know this could get you a lot of hours."

"It would."

"Labour Day weekend is coming up."

"It is."

"If you do this, you can have a four-day weekend."

"Right."

"Your evaluation is next week."

"I will make this the best gosh-darn Wake-A-Thon these kids have ever been to."

7:00 PM: Innocence

I went in expecting the usual crowd of kids. They're a good bunch, all around 16 or 17 years old and mostly good friends, with the odd disagreement usually handled pretty smoothly. They play a lot of Monopoly, an activity I find loathsome as it combines two of the things I hate most (finance and men with mustaches) but is overall pretty wholesome.

I walked into a melee of fifteen or so teenagers, two puppies, and the ear-bleeding sounds of Katy Perry. The ones that weren't having a dance party in the office were sucking down Red Bull like mother's milk, sitting amongst empty cans scattered like shrapnel across the centre.

I had brought a book, anticipating a certain amount of quiet. It never came.

8:32 PM: Lust

"If you absolutely must straddle your boyfriend, please do not do it here. Thank you."

8:49 PM: Feasting

I will never understand the need for teenage girls to make every statement sound like a question. Like, my sister is a moron? And Edward Cullen is so dreamy? And you kind of look like you want to curl up and die right now?

The youngest three of the girls left (including the aforementioned moron sister), since they had not gotten permission slips. Thankfully, one of them took the nipping puppies with her. The other two staff members showed up with food, and the kids descended upon it like locusts. I tried to reach my arm in to get a cookie. I'm sure it will heal any day now.

10:24 PM: Smoke

One of them got the bright idea that the smoke machine and strobe light from last year's Halloween party would make an awesome addition to the dance party, which was now focused heavily on The Black-Eyed Peas. I will accept my own portion of the blame for this one, since I didn't do anything to stop it.

Long story short, the smoke detector went off. As they opened the door to let out the smoke, light still flashing intermittently, all I could imagine was that this was going to be sampled for the next big dance hit, "Where There's Smoke, You're Fired".

12:15 AM: Conflict

"We want to go for a walk."

"What? Now?"

"Yeah. Let's go for a hike."

"Leaving aside the fact that the permission slips don't even begin to cover it, I'm not having a bunch of teenagers out roaming the streets on a Friday night. It's too dangerous."

"I know tae kwan do!"

"Not even close to the point. You guys are minors."

"My fake ID says I'm 19!"

"Oh man! Why didn't you say so? We could go clubbing!"

"Really?!"

"NO."

12:38 AM: Knots

If you have never, in all of your employment history, had to implore an adolescent boy not to hog-tie any more of the kids at the youth centre, I feel very sorry for you indeed.

1:25 AM: Reason

"Now look, you guys. I understand sometimes you get on each other's nerves, but you can't handle it like this. You can't call him an idiot. And you, you can't slap him. It's disrespectful and doesn't solve anything. Next time you guys can find a way to handle it better, or I'll handle it my way, which neither of you will like. Are we clear? Okay, back to your game."

I opened my mouth and my mother's voice came out. I would have been less shocked to hear Zu'ul.

3:01 AM: Boredom

After all options were exhausted (including Monopoly, the Wii, card games, and doing their best to level the centre), the kids were bored, so we set up one of the movies we rented for them. This was also a chance for the staff to curl up on uncomfortable chairs in the office and try to get some rest before some kind of syndrome set in.

"OH MY GOD! That guy is cutting off that other guy's EYELID!"

Maybe The Haunting in Connecticut wasn't the best choice. Hey, I didn't rent it.

4:42 AM: Cracks

This is the latest I have stayed up in about ten years. Sober, anyway. I can feel myself getting crazy-eyes. I briefly consider leaving my notice and getting in the car and driving somewhere far, far away, where people take vows of silence and no one puts their bare ass on centre equipment or anyone else.

6:07 AM: Hope

They started to clean up, each one bitching about how the mess wasn't really theirs so they shouldn't have to clean it up. Elves then, I suppose, left all the cans of Red Bull and Dorito crumbs scattered hither and yon.

The Dorito crumbs were mine, but I didn't say anything. This is a good life lesson.

6:48 AM: Triumph

I drove home in pure daylight, golden and beautiful. I saw the sun reflect off of church windows and the dewy grass, nearly crying tears of joy.

I crawled into bed with Jamie and listened to the quiet. He stirred slightly and mumbled.

"Baby," I cooed, "How do you feel about a vasectomy?"